Hard as Stone(ed) Overcomming addiction to a better body

[FullNelson]

Life has been very good to me, and I've taken it for granted. I'm going to am elite school (Go Rice Owls!) and have a beautiful fiance (even though we have low parts). My parents are amazing and supportive, and my brother's have always been there with me. If you didn't know better, you'd say I have it all.

Unfortunatley, I've also been having some drug problems, specifically cigerettes (boo hoo, i know :P) marijuana (daily) and whats more legitimate, benzo's (xanex)

It all started when I began getting panic attacks, about a summer before college. They started off as my just being unable to leave my room until I had put on every shirt I own on, and every pair of pants. To deal with it, I began to smoke cigerettes. After that, I began to smoke weed, beucase It prevented the anxiety from comming all together.

Fast forward two months, and a break from weed, the attacks came back worse, and I was percribed ativan. Sometimes If i don't take my ativan, I can't leave my room, causing me to miss some class.

For those that have never had an anxiety/panic attack, they feel as if no matter what you do, your world is ending, and you are powerless to stop it. It's entirely illogical, and your higher brain knows it, but you emotional brain paralyzes you.

Last night, someone offered me a few bumps of coke, and I did it without question.

So now I have a choice.
Do I let my life continue to spiral further down, or do I , now, do something to stop it.

I choose the later. I used to lift pretty regulariy, and I loved feeling in control of my own body.

So i'm going to let ya'll join me in my journy to not only sobreity, but to a better me. I'll be honest, I don't know if I can do it all on my own, so I hope ya'll can help me :)

Here are some starting pics and stats.

I'm 20, 170 pounds, and 6 feet tall


I'll Post my gym results tonite. I'm rocking my chest today.

[FullNelson]

Days Clean : 1


Good workout today! Still feeling good, it's nice to get back into the swing of things

Supplements
Liquid DMG (2ML)
Jack3d (Wow, i've used a lot of stim/prework-outs, and this stuff is great, expect for appetitie, which I'll explain later)
Good ol' Creatine Monohydrate (Might add size-on PWO, but untill I feel like I need it, I won't.

Today I went with a buddy to help him build a chest work out. Here's what we (I) did

DB Flat Chest Press
8x45
8x55
8x65
8x75
2x8x80

Decline Bench
4x8x135

Cable Fly With 2 Sec rest at top

4x10x12(don't know the weight value, but felt just right :) )

Hammer Incline chest

3x8x155

Seratus (sp?) I used to do some MMA, so I remember to work this muscle pretty religiously :)
3x8x45



All in all, it felt really good to back into the swing of things. The Jack3d was great, good focus and intensity, but other than the immediate PWO drink (Optimum whey with some creating monhydrate (5g) ) I wasn't all that hungry. Normally I would light up a fat bowl, but part of the test is to not do that lol.

[PaC-mAn8]

Ethan,

I'm here bro. Reading all that kinda made me feel sad...cuz I never knew any of that stuff.

If you need anything, I'm here for ya.

Will be following this journal closely.

P.S Miss you at Lifetime :(

[Achilles-]

gl man and btw what college u go to?

[FullNelson]

gl man and btw what college u go to?

Rice University.

And thanks Aj, I miss the hell out of everyone. Yea, I did a pretty good job of hiding it, but the first step is putting in the open so that I can address it.

[FullNelson]

And so begin the Benzo withdrawals. I'm still smoking cigs, to counter act the benzo's. At the least, I don't let myself smoke until i've worked out.

It's been months since I've tried to sleep without the aid of either weed or ativan, and wow is it hard. I keep waking up, and the tension/distance between me and my fiance is really starting to take hold.

I got to bed around 1230 last night, and woke up about 630. Unable to go back to sleep, I've been watchings Guns'n'roses videos on youtube for no particualr reason, that is, until the servary open and I can eat.

I'm also feeling an early morning back day. Didn't Work out yesterday becuase we had a flag football double header (When you go to a nerd school, I can be the line backer) but we lost. Ohwell, can't win em all I guess.

I'll post it when Im done :)

[FullNelson]

Days Clean: 2

Holy **** does it rain in houston.

Any who, here's the back day :)

Dead lift
12x135
10x185
8x225

40 Pull Ups with neutral grip

Wide lat pull down
3x12x90

Close grip (Palms facing Me) lat pull down

2x8x135

Bent over BB row

4x8x115

Good mornings

3x12 body wieght


Took the Jack3d plus creatine again. Seems to be a pretty good stack, and I'm loving the DMG.

[Showtyme3]

hey man thanks for your support. Just wanted to say goodluck, Ive literally been everywhere youve been (with the drugs) so I know how hard it can be to come off of the stuff. The biggest thing is realizing how much of the "addiction" is in your mind. Especially with the harder drugs, most of your dependency on it is just the fact that it feels good and you like it, that is natural. Not being able to control what you physically put into your body is where the problem lies. I just quit smoking on this deployment. After 7 years and numerous times of trying i finally quit. I tried to quit about a year ago and realized that I wouldnt because being honest with myself I didnt want too. I liked the buzz from the nicotine. When I deployed I decided it was time to get in shape for football and that took precedence in my mind over the cigarettes and quitting was not hard at all. Just find someway to convince yourself that you WANT to quit the drugs and you will. Knowing that you NEED to quit isnt enough, you have to WANT to quit. So goodluck in your endeavors man! Ill check up on you periodically.

[FullNelson]

Thanks man. At first, I was too proud to ask for help, but I think it's important in the long run to get all of the support that I can. Hopefully A more regulating lifestlye (the bbing lifestyle) should fill in the gaps left by the drugs.