View Full Version : O/T Once upon a time......
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 12:12 PM
I've thought about this long and hard, actually, for decades now. Writing my story. A few of you on here thought I should but I've had some reservations about it. I've started quite often but couldn't handle it. But I think I have an idea now that might get me through it. I think I'm going to just talk to you - the members here. Just have a conversation. I'm not looking for you to critique it but just read along and do what you want with it. Keep it to yourself. Share it with someone. Think it about it. Condemn me. Praise me. Whatever. I just hope it causes you think and feel something that produces something good. I want to do it this way because I don't if I'll be able to finish it or if theres even an end. Sometimes it may seem like I'm just rambling. Other times I might even seem eloquent. I'll probably go back and forth from past to present. I won't remember everything in neat chronological order but I'll write it down as I remember before I lose it.
I'll start out with what sort of nudged me to do this. Last month I think it was somebody had started a thread under "Ever thought about publishing your life's story?" And here was my initial response:
Actually I've pondered this long and hard and even. I've even placed pen to paper and started writing many a time after hearing people tell me numerous times you should write your story. I usually give up. I have to ask myself why I'm writing. What or whose benefit does it serve? I don't want it to simply be soul purging, which I've done enough of already during some 'professionals' attempt to aid me in overcoming PTSD. Even at the mature age of 45 some things still cause great pain. Writing seems to waken those ghosts, horrors and atrocities. I mean who really wants to hear about sick, demented and twisted things being done to a child and the descent into madness it led them down? Forsaken and forgotten. Tormented. Unforgiven. Who needs to know about the cruelty humans can perpetrate upon one another and the way that sears your soul? As others look upon me now they think wow hes really got it going for himself. Healthy, smart, funny, charming, etc.. Do others really need to know that yeah though I walked through the valley of death and feared the evil that pursued me that there is redemption? Maybe in writing I'll actually find that redemption and if not at least others might find it by girding themselves with the comfort that others lived to tell the tale."
Then somebody responded that they thought it might do others good and perhaps purge my soul. My response was this:
"I struggle with that. I think there is healing but I have so built up this image of the fearless warrior who will back down from no man. Cut off my right arm and I'll transform my left into a rapier and jab you into oblivion. In my vulnerability, ie..penning my thoughts, I feel like I revert back to that time of darkness and start to feel a loss of control - humiliation, shame, pain, indignation and rage. But of all these feelings, rage has been both friend and foe. Rage has kept me from wallowing in self pity. Rage has infused my spirit to conquer my opponents. Rage has kept me from tapping or listening for the count to reach 10 for it all to be blissfully over. Rage has brought me to my feet and told you to bring it on because I'm still here. And even now as I delve into the bbing world rage fuels my workouts, compelling me to view the weights with indignation as I am flesh and blood and it but mere metal. I will not be bested by it. But rage has also stolen from me. Stolen my peace that I so desperately seek."
And so here we go.........
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 01:50 PM
I was born in Seoul, S Korea, the byproduct of an American GI and a Korean mother just trying to support herself. When he left I guess she was unable to take care of me and took me to the orphange. At 2 yrs old I was adopted by white American parents. My father was in the Air Force and my mother a devout christian woman.
My earliest memory is of being locked out of the house in my turquoise superhero Aquaman pajamas. You know the kind with the feet fully enclosed and and pads on the feet. Its gray, windy and cold outside and I'm knocking and crying for mom to let me back. I must have been about 4 yrs old. She won't let me in because I've been bad.
Around 5 yr old my dad got stationed at an airforce base in west Texas. I can remember my first beating about this time. I don't remember all the specifics but I do remember blood having that strange coppery smell. My mother was swinging at me with something and me raising my hands to fend it off and then the blood running down me. To this day I have this big scar running along the tip of my chin from that. Later on I would be involved in boxing and other various martial arts but I never had to be taken to the hospital to be stitched up like 3 or 4 times I had to be from my mothers beatings. I always had to agree with the story that I had fell down. She scared me more than any foe I have had since then.
I don't know why she beat me, no, I do know why she said she beat me. She said I was the devil's child and that I had to be beat regularly to keep the evil out of me. Besides she said it would be better that I had never been born than to be so wicked. How could I have been such an evil person? All this she did in the name of Jesus.
Sometimes the beating was so bad I would make a run for it and run out of the house. I tried and run to the neighbor's house where I pounded on the door. To this day I remember them peeking out the window and not opening the door for me.
My mother had deviced tools or whips to use on me when administering the beatings. She made special attention to my arms which she would flail relentlessly. She said she left marks so other kids at school could see how bad I was.
I remember when I was bad she used to make me get on my hands and knees in front of her and she would strangle me until I passed out. Then she would revive me and hug me and try to make it better. Sometimes when I was in the bath she would hold my head under the water for a long time.
During the time of most of my severe beatings my father was overseas. My mother was working two jobs so I guess she was pretty stressed out. During the summers she would lock me and my sister in our room while she slept with nothing to eat or drink. I liked it better when she locked us up in our screened in porch because thats where the dogs were and we at least got to drink their water. She didn't want us in the house because she didn't want us getting into stuff. One time I had tried to get something to eat and had spilled sugar all over the floor. That was one of my worst beatings. She resolved further issues by locking us up. She didn't beat my sister like she beat me. I guess she thought because I was a boy I could take it more. I don't know. Never figured that out.
My mother was a devout Church of Christ member but my father kind of just tagged along. We were required to be in church on Sunday mornings and evenings and also Wednesdays. I remember hearing a sermon and lots of people going to the front and being saved. Some of my peers went up and got baptized. My mom went on and on about them. I wanted her to be proud of me and besides if I get baptized then Jesus would protect me wouldn't He? I went and got baptized at the age of 12 I believe. She was so proud of me and loved on me like never before. I thought Jesus does save. He will protect me. This lasted for a week before the beatings resumed. I lost my faith. I've regained a portion of it but I still have an ongoing war with God to this day.
Around 9 years of age. I'm not sure but I was old enough to read 'harmful or fatal if swallowed.' I decided to go and be with Jesus. I couldn't take it anymore. The constant living in fear. The nightmares. The other degradations. The kids who told me to go back to where I came from. I swallowed a whole bottle of cement glue. My mother found me incoherent and lethargic and rushed me to the emergency room. After they had pumped my stomach and got me stabilized the doctor questioned me as to why. But my mother was standing right there and I was too scared to say why. They just sent me back home. I pretty much knew that I had no saviour then.
It wasn't just the beatings. It was the constant screaming at me and other degradations. I used to have to wear special shoes because my feet wanted to turn outward. Even after I had outgrown them she still made me walk up and the hallway endlessly in them even though they hurt so bad. She said I was abnormal and not any better than the retarded people she took care of at the State School.
I was not allowed to get up after going to bed to use the bathroom. I used to climb out the window until she caught me and nailed it shut. I then started going inside my closet in the corner. Please don't make fun of me. I didn't know what else to do. When then smell became apparent and where it was coming from I paid dearly for it.
She had this weird obsession about me sleeping with my mouth open. If she caught me with my mouth open when I was sleeping she would come in there and slap me across the face. I still have a hard time sleeping I think. The nightmares started around that time. I can remember two dreams distinctly that I had repeatedly. One was I am running and something is chasing me. Something dark and formless. I keep falling down until it finally catches up to me, at which I wake up drenched in sweat and screaming. The other dream is I am somewheres up very high and I simply jump off into oblivion. The funny thing about this is I always wake up on top of my sheets.
I remember she didn't like my hair at all because it stuck up alot. I'm half Korean and so my hair is very thick. She chose to cut it military regulation. She asked the barber how she could train my hair because she had tried gooping it up with all kinds of grease and what not. He was a black guy and he suggested a stocking to tame it down. She made me wear that and I even had to wear it outside around other kids. This is not what started the other kids to tormenting me but it certainly didn't help. I guess I'll start on that next time.....
ntrllftr
08-23-2008, 02:07 PM
Just proves my point that there is NO god and MOST church goers
are hypocrites.
Too bad Johnstown is closed, she would fit in perfectly there.
EDIT: Jonestown ;) Must bee all the drugs I'm on due to this freakin cold.
.
Man, no disrespect at all....but I would love to read that, but ADD sucks...
.
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 02:13 PM
Man, no disrespect at all....but I would love to read that, but ADD sucks...
.
Ouch!! I actually am ADD...lol. I'm just writing as it comes to my mind instead of trying to be all perfect about it so it comes out eloquently. I've tried eloquence and I usually just give up because it doesn't sound right. Call this a regurgitation I guess. Just noticed you were into MMA. Maybe I can be less ADD and we could have a chat about that sometime. MMA helped vent some of my rage. I kind of feel an affinity with Jens Pulver if you know anything about his background.
Ouch!! I actually am ADD...lol. I'm just writing as it comes to my mind instead of trying to be all perfect about it so it comes out eloquently. I've tried eloquence and I usually just give up because it doesn't sound right. Call this a regurgitation I guess. Just noticed you were into MMA. Maybe I can be less ADD and we could have a chat about that sometime. MMA helped vent some of my rage. I kind of feel an affinity with Jens Pulver if you know anything about his background.
No, no, no.....I was actually pointing the finger at myself and the ability I lack at staying focused in reading something that long....lol
No offence towards you at all.
I'm cool with talking MMA at any point. Love the sport. I know only a little about Jen's background...but he seems like a character to say the very least...heh.
.
Just proves my point that there is NO god and MOST church goers
are hypocrites.
I can't let it go :). To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.
As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.
Too bad Johnstown is closed, she would fit in perfectly there.
And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones? :)
SP1966
08-23-2008, 02:27 PM
I can't let it go :). To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.
As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.
And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones? :)
No Johnstown is where you car goes to have it's windows busted out...
I can't let it go :). To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.
As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.
And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones? :)
Hello people!!! can you stop arguing for a minute! this isn't about you and what you believe, did you read his horrific story???? just stop.
ntrllftr
08-23-2008, 02:34 PM
I can't let it go :). To me, it is arrogant to so strongly aver that there is or that there isn't a GOD. I spent many years of my life enjoying arguing that God is a man made idea. But I finally realized....it made me no different than those who advocate the opposite.
As far as most church goers; we're all hypocrites. And I'd agree that when folding yourself up in the cloth of a church or religion, that it makes hypocrisy much more vile somehow. So the statement that most church goers are hypocrites is really no different than saying most church goers are people.
And I'm thinking you meant Jonestown...as in, Jim Jones? :)
I am not going to get into a heated argument over what I believe.
I say it and thats that.
Yes you have corrected me once again.
Dang I hate it when you do that to me. :mad:
I did fix it though. :)
.
EMISGOD
08-23-2008, 02:35 PM
Hello people!!! can you stop arguing for a minute! this isn't about you and what you believe, did you read his horrific story???? just stop.
Co-signed...must needs there be bickering in every thread? :(
ntrllftr
08-23-2008, 02:36 PM
No Johnstown is where you car goes to have it's windows busted out...
Now that is funny as all hell.
if there is a hell, :rolleyes: :D
Hello people!!! can you stop arguing for a minute! this isn't about you and what you believe, did you read his horrific story???? just stop.
No we are not arguing. everything is cool . :cool:
Now that is funny as all hell.
if there is a hell, :rolleyes: :D
No we are not arguing. everything is cool . :cool:
don't understand how after reading a story like that it can just be overlooked.
The insensitivity in mind blowing to me
No we are not arguing. everything is cool . :cool:
What the heck is she talking about :confused:
;)
Co-signed...must needs there be bickering in every thread? :(
ahhh...... a breath of fresh air ;) thanks EM!
The insensitivity in mind blowing to me
He didn't write it "crying out", he simply wanted to put into words some things he wanted to share. Didn't you read his preface? :p
ntrllftr
08-23-2008, 02:43 PM
don't understand how after reading a story like that it can just be overlooked.
The insensitivity in mind blowing to me
insensitive? It was a my nice way of saying she was a piece of **** and should have been strung up by her pinky toes, beaten , stoned and starved to death.
Worthless people that harm children are SCUM!!!!!!
Is that better?
insensitive? It was a my nice way of saying she was a piece of **** and should have been strung up by her pinky toes, beaten , stoned and starved to death.
Worthless people that harm children are SCUM!!!!!!
Is that better?
And then I was kinda pointing out that although he wrote things like. "I realized there was no savior", that it didn't necessarily mean he meant that in terms of his present thinking, so I was kinda/sorta being cautionary will Carl. You know, my good pal, Carl? :)
Is this better, oh scolding one? :)
insensitive? It was a my nice way of saying she was a piece of **** and should have been strung up by her pinky toes, beaten , stoned and starved to death.
Worthless people that harm children are SCUM!!!!!!
Is that better?
I wasn't referring to you babe! sorry but his story really is sad and after I read it was totally speechless and to see someone totally disregard it with an opinion on something not relevant really pissed me off and surprised me.
rpaul11
08-23-2008, 02:59 PM
now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
BLW....until what age did you stay with them? Are you ever still in contact? Just curious.
ntrllftr
08-23-2008, 03:01 PM
And then I was kinda pointing out that although he wrote things like. "I realized there was no savior", that it didn't necessarily mean he meant that in terms of his present thinking, so I was kinda/sorta being cautionary will Carl. You know, my good pal, Carl? :)
Is this better, oh scolding one? :)
I picked up on that as well.
Maybe subconciously thats why i wrote what i did. :rolleyes:
I wasn't referring to you babe! sorry but his story really is sad and after I read it was totally speechless and to see someone totally disregard it with an opinion on something not relevant really pissed me off and surprised me.
You can never make me mad. You are my e-hunny. ;)
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 03:04 PM
Actually I am humbled by your responses. I have no preconceived notion as to how what I write will effect you or not. If it causes discussion of any type then I guess some good has been wrought. No I am not crying out. At least I don't think I am although I do confess to be something of a lost soul. Its as though I've lost my way and I simply want to find my way back home. I don't know if I ever felt the feeling of 'home.' Maybe I can kind of tag along and one of you might show me the way.
I know it is a sad and maybe even pathetic thing that at the age of 45 those things still hurt me. No I'm not living in that moment but it still echoes deep in my soul. I've never really come to terms as to the why? I've asked God and the church but have found no solace. My only solace thus far is in the compassion and empathy that dwells within me and the desire to help others. I'm not sure how good I am at it but ironically even though I am very distrusting I really do love my fellow man and I just wish we could all be a little kinder and a little less selfish including myself.
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 03:09 PM
now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
BLW....until what age did you stay with them? Are you ever still in contact? Just curious.
My father passed away about 9 years ago. I am still in contact with my mother. I forgive her. I really do. I have to or I am condemned to a life of hate which will make self-destruct thru rotting of my soul. I love her even in a way. Or maybe its just that I feel sorry for her. I don't have that bond with her every child should have with their parent. I check in on her but I feel very little. Sometimes I'm even sad about that. I know she tries. Shes mostly a good woman now. Even a good mother. She really wants the best for me. Ironically I harbored more resentment to my father because I thought he was impotent and did not stand up for me and put a stop to what was happening to me. But he too had a bad temper although it was mostly shouting and criticizing me for being such a weak boy.
Actually I am humbled by your responses. I have no preconceived notion as to how what I write will effect you or not. If it causes discussion of any type then I guess some good has been wrought. No I am not crying out. At least I don't think I am although I do confess to be something of a lost soul. Its as though I've lost my way and I simply want to find my way back home. I don't know if I ever felt the feeling of 'home.' Maybe I can kind of tag along and one of you might show me the way.
I know it is a sad and maybe even pathetic thing that at the age of 45 those things still hurt me. No I'm not living in that moment but it still echoes deep in my soul. I've never really come to terms as to the why? I've asked God and the church but have found no solace. My only solace thus far is in the compassion and empathy that dwells within me and the desire to help others. I'm not sure how good I am at it but ironically even though I am very distrusting I really do love my fellow man and I just wish we could all be a little kinder and a little less selfish including myself.
I don't think it's sad or pathetic in the least I don't know how one forgets such a thing.The fact that you want to help others is admirable.
Its as though I've lost my way and I simply want to find my way back home. I don't know if I ever felt the feeling of 'home.' Maybe I can kind of tag along and one of you might show me the way.
Hey, we can try, but I don't think this is the best place, you know? At least you have a sense of what "home" might be, and are striving to find it. I think you'll find that it is what you make it in the end. Most of us are largely who we are because of the people who raised us. But in your case, you've had to try to find another path. You will find it, eventually.
I know it is a sad and maybe even pathetic thing that at the age of 45 those things still hurt me. No I'm not living in that moment but it still echoes deep in my soul. I've never really come to terms as to the why?
I don't think any apology of "why" it still hurts is necessary. I hope not. You upbringing wouldn't be forgotten by anyone human.
I'm not sure how good I am at it but ironically even though I am very distrusting I really do love my fellow man and I just wish we could all be a little kinder and a little less selfish including myself.
You are likely, and almost certainly, a "people pleaser". Nothing wrong with that at all, but it can also come at a price...in that people can take advantage of your desire to please. I'm out of time atm............
ntrllftr
08-23-2008, 03:19 PM
Hey, we can try, but I don't think this is the best place, you know?
Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.
HAve you looked for a support forum or something. Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting. ;)
.
ntrllftr
08-23-2008, 03:19 PM
Hey, we can try, but I don't think this is the best place, you know?
Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.
Have you looked for a support forum or something? Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting. ;)
.
SP1966
08-23-2008, 03:21 PM
Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.
Have you looked for a support forum or something. Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting. ;)
.
You can say that again Carl... Oh wait, you did! :D
Sorry Chuck it is my weakness!!
Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.
Have you looked for a support forum or something. Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting. ;)
.
why do you say that??
if you say it enough your gonna start to believe it.... TM :)
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 03:28 PM
The cruelty of children. Growing up as half Korean in the 70s in a military based town was hell for me. This is pretty much during the aftermath of the Vietnam war with anti-asian sentiment prevalent in society. Don't laugh but I didn't even know i was adopted for the longest time during my elementary school years. I would go to school and kids would make fun of me. You know the classic push up the corners of your eyes and ching chang chinaman thing. Go back where you came from. If not we're going to beat you up after school. Everyday for the longest I knew after school they were waiting for me. I ran as fast as I could. We asians are not known for our great sprinting abilities...lol...and they always caught me. If not they just threw rocks at me. Remember the movie 'Forest Gump?' The scene where hes running from the kids from school and Jenny is yelling,"Run Forest run." I just busted out crying and still do whenever I watch that movie because thats me.
My mother always told me the christian thing to do was turn the other cheek and don't fight back. So I just ran. I played the viola so I'd strap the case of it to my back to protect me from the rocks they would throw at me. Most of the time they caught me. I'd get all dirty and they'd tear my clothes. Then I had to go home and face my mother who would drill me as to whether I fought back or not. When I said I didn't she would not believe me because of the condition of my clothes and then beat me for it.
Funny thing but because I didn't know I was adopted, when the kids would make fun of my eyes I thought I was deformed. I didn't look like them or my parents so I thought I was deformed. I knew this kid in school who wore what we called at the time 'coke-bottle' glasses. They made his eyes just bug out. I remember I would be out at the playground and I would find me a place to sit and just stare at the sun because I remember in one of my classes they had said if you stared at the sun it would damage your eyes. The way I figured it if I stared enough I would have to have a pair of 'coke-bottle' glasses and they would make my eyes bigger. Thank goodness for contact lenses now huh....lol!
I think the thing that hurt me most is the day I decided to run away in elementary school. I remember they had been tormenting me in class and talking about what they were going to do to me after school. I finally asked what could I do to make them stop or what did they want from me. They said we don't want you here. So they devised a plan for me to help me run away. We were outside during P.E. and they were going to roll the kick ball across the street to where the park was and I was to run across and get it. I ran to get it but kept on running. There was a creek that ran through so I just ran along there for awhile. I remember the principal coming for me and callling out my name. I finally got tired and just gave up. He took me home to my dad. Dad said he had to tell my mom he punished me for it or I know what would happen. So he swatted me a few times. I loved him that day. I thought he would always save me. But that was not to be.
StlBarbie
08-23-2008, 03:32 PM
My heart goes out to you for all that you have endured and yet you keep the spirit of forgiveness and the courage to live beyond the tragedy that can be life .... you are an amazing person for who you are!
I have been a foster parent for almost two decades ...
IMO there are no braver children than those whose survive and conquer the demons left behind from years of abuse!!!
May peace and all the good that life has to offer find you!:)
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 03:32 PM
Especially when you have people on here that are as F'ed up like me.
Have you looked for a support forum or something? Just like what dbx said you are gonna get idiots like me posting. ;)
.
Hey Carl I have never had a problem with you whatsoever and I don't now. You're a blunt kind of guy and I appreciate it. I guess ya'll are my support group and you all don't have to be of the same mind or come at me the same way. I'm cool with it all. You just do what you do cause I absolutely have no problem with it ok.
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 03:39 PM
Hey, we can try, but I don't think this is the best place, you know? At least you have a sense of what "home" might be, and are striving to find it. I think you'll find that it is what you make it in the end. Most of us are largely who we are because of the people who raised us. But in your case, you've had to try to find another path. You will find it, eventually.
I don't think any apology of "why" it still hurts is necessary. I hope not. You upbringing wouldn't be forgotten by anyone human.
You are likely, and almost certainly, a "people pleaser". Nothing wrong with that at all, but it can also come at a price...in that people can take advantage of your desire to please. I'm out of time atm............
I'm not sure how much a people pleaser i am. i actually got banned once upon a time here for telling someone off in not too kind words. And I don't think I'll find my way back home thru any one venue. Its a process and this is one of many. I may never find it and merely be a leaf in the wind. Who knows. I just think its time to write. I've always had this fear that I'll leave this earth prematurely and what of it? All this happened for what? Just because sh&^ happens? I'd like to leave something behind. Some small seed of hope I guess. I'm not sure. I just don't want to leave it like this.
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 03:40 PM
I don't think it's sad or pathetic in the least I don't know how one forgets such a thing.The fact that you want to help others is admirable.
and i just thought you were just a hardcore chick with muscles....lol...ty!
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 03:45 PM
My heart goes out to you for all that you have endured and yet you keep the spirit of forgiveness and the courage to live beyond the tragedy that can be life .... you are an amazing person for who you are!
I have been a foster parent for almost two decades ...
IMO there are no braver children than those whose survive and conquer the demons left behind from years of abuse!!!
May peace and all the good that life has to offer find you!:)
I hope it finds me too. Thus far it has been elusive. Oh I've had my moments although fleeting. I just feel like I lost something and damnit I want it back! My childhood. I want that wild-eyed childhood innocence. Fearless and wreckless. A boy in me locked inside from the fear of punishment. Even know that boy sneaks out. I remember a wonderful moment when I had my wife get up in the middle of the night and raid the refridgerator with me. I couldn't get up at night for nothing and they locked the fridge because they said she was overweight. That was quite liberating....lol!
Do_Somethin
08-23-2008, 04:07 PM
Wow. That's one hell of an amazing story. What can anybody say? You know it was bad, anybody with a brain knows it was bad, and yet... You're still here. You've moved on. You have. The memories are there but those memories were then not now. Ghosts out of a nightmare. The nightmare may not be over in terms of what you have to deal with from it but you can see it for what it is now.
Let all the emotions flow. You've been through enough not to.
maryinmesquite
08-23-2008, 05:51 PM
I hope it finds me too. Thus far it has been elusive. Oh I've had my moments although fleeting. I just feel like I lost something and damnit I want it back! My childhood. I want that wild-eyed childhood innocence. Fearless and wreckless. A boy in me locked inside from the fear of punishment. Even know that boy sneaks out. I remember a wonderful moment when I had my wife get up in the middle of the night and raid the refridgerator with me. I couldn't get up at night for nothing and they locked the fridge because they said she was overweight. That was quite liberating....lol!
no child should ever have to endure that . and i really think the more love you give out , the more you get back. im sorry and the wroting may be a catharisis for you . i did something similar but i have never shared ,, just hadto get it out of my soul. guess you have a bigger set than i do
blw_redone
08-23-2008, 07:49 PM
no child should ever have to endure that . and i really think the more love you give out , the more you get back. im sorry and the wroting may be a catharisis for you . i did something similar but i have never shared ,, just hadto get it out of my soul. guess you have a bigger set than i do
I don't necessarily think I have a bigger 'set' than you do. Not sure if this has anything to do with courage at all. I just want to leave something. Have people become more aware. Maybe rethink their positions. Maybe just deepen their humanity. I don't really know. This may do nothing for me emotionally. It may worsen me to dredge up all these demons. One moment my knees are buckled and my tears like rushing streams and the next moment I am standing with my arm stretched into a fist and shaking it angrily at God saying why????? Why did you forsake me? Why did you sit idly by and ignore my screams. Where were you to pull me out of that nightmare? Why did you let me be born? Why didn't you just let me slip into the eternal sleep when I tried to end my suffering? Why damn you why?
SP1966
08-23-2008, 07:55 PM
Chuck I hope by 'I just want to leave something' you are not intending to leave!
Keltron
08-23-2008, 08:41 PM
Cally me a p*ssy but I took a break for a second when I got to the part about getting your head pressed under the bath water. It was upsetting me so I had to take a break but I definitely wanted to finish. I know I'm going to sound like a sissy but that was honestly a very tough thing to read.
It makes me more appreciative of my parents. I love my mother to death but there is a tiny sense of resentment towards her because she was never affectionate with me. I don't ever remember her hugging me or kissing me or telling me that she loved me. But it wasn't her fault. Her own parents were not that way so it probably felt foreign to her. She tries to be a little affectionate w/me now as an adult but it feels weird to me. This stuff can become a can of Freudian worms so I'll leave it at that. But I'm still grateful to have a mother that did love me and did everything else perfectly. And your story made me believe that even more. It's reinforced my belief that no matter how bad one thinks they have it, they should be utterly grateful because there are people that have it way worse.
And it's quite noble of you to still care about her. I'm not a hateful person but one thing that can really invoke hatred and rage in me is when someone hurts a child. As I was reading your story, a burning hatred for your mother was building up inside of me. But I soon realized that there is no way for someone to inflict something like that on another human being unless there is something severely wrong mentally. I'm sure she endured a lot of crazy things during her upbringing so I can't judge her by the same standards as a normal person. Like they always say, abuse is cyclical until one person gets it so bad that they can't imagine doing that to their own offspring.
Does she express remorse or apologize for what she's done to you? Have you ever told her how badly she's hurt you? If not, it's imperative that you do. Not to make her feel bad but to help YOU. So much can be resolved internally if we let out feelings that have been pent up our whole lives.
blw_redone
08-25-2008, 06:53 AM
Chuck I hope by 'I just want to leave something' you are not intending to leave!
Leave as in what? Leave the forum? Leave the earth....lol? Been there tried to do that I think 4 or 5 times. Overdose, slashing veins and by hanging. Very unsuccessful obviously. Besides I'm a fledgling bodybuilder so I'm a bit narcissistic (spelling). Actually theres never been a day that goes by that I don't at least think about it. I've pretty much got over the planning of it but I do think about it if only for a moment. Two things that probably keep me from doing it now is one - all that religion that was forcefed me has given me a fear of hell and I'd hate to leave this earth only to face another more vicious hell than the one I've survived thus far. The second thing being a small glimmer of hope that something beautiful will blossom from this pile of excrement we call life. That somehow, someway I'm going to get it right and fate/God/chance will shine upon me.
blw_redone
08-25-2008, 07:03 AM
Cally me a p*ssy but I took a break for a second when I got to the part about getting your head pressed under the bath water. It was upsetting me so I had to take a break but I definitely wanted to finish. I know I'm going to sound like a sissy but that was honestly a very tough thing to read.
It makes me more appreciative of my parents. I love my mother to death but there is a tiny sense of resentment towards her because she was never affectionate with me. I don't ever remember her hugging me or kissing me or telling me that she loved me. But it wasn't her fault. Her own parents were not that way so it probably felt foreign to her. She tries to be a little affectionate w/me now as an adult but it feels weird to me. This stuff can become a can of Freudian worms so I'll leave it at that. But I'm still grateful to have a mother that did love me and did everything else perfectly. And your story made me believe that even more. It's reinforced my belief that no matter how bad one thinks they have it, they should be utterly grateful because there are people that have it way worse.
And it's quite noble of you to still care about her. I'm not a hateful person but one thing that can really invoke hatred and rage in me is when someone hurts a child. As I was reading your story, a burning hatred for your mother was building up inside of me. But I soon realized that there is no way for someone to inflict something like that on another human being unless there is something severely wrong mentally. I'm sure she endured a lot of crazy things during her upbringing so I can't judge her by the same standards as a normal person. Like they always say, abuse is cyclical until one person gets it so bad that they can't imagine doing that to their own offspring.
Does she express remorse or apologize for what she's done to you? Have you ever told her how badly she's hurt you? If not, it's imperative that you do. Not to make her feel bad but to help YOU. So much can be resolved internally if we let out feelings that have been pent up our whole lives.
Yeah for a long time I definitely had a fear of water. I've since overcome it but I can remember a time a few years ago when I was swimming at the river and a bit of undercurrent caught me. I started to panic and go under. I eventually made it to shore but nobody really understood why I was crying so hard. Flashbacks I think you call them. I have triggers I guess. Same thing in grappling when someone was attempting to choke me except I used my indignation that this was happening to me and let turn into rage and rage my strength to power my will to fight out of it.
Yes she has apologized. However I have found it hard to reconcile with that apology because she always ends it with 'I don't remember.' Well if you don't remember the horrible things you did to me then how can you be truly sorry and remorseful? Its always 'if I hurt you i just don't remember.' I'm thinking now she would just black out and go into a rage. I have very little background on my mother. Remember I'm adopted. I do know that my grandmother, her mother, had to go to a mental hospital for awhile and even when I knew her she was quite eccentric. So I'm guessing there are some hereditary issues there.
maryinmesquite
08-25-2008, 07:06 AM
life will get better . i know this is so cliche but the way i look at it what doesnt break you only makes you stronger .. i liken it to a piece of steel .. they temper it with heat and fire ,, to make it stronger ,, i have to deal with life like that ,, if i can make it thru this i will come out on the other side stronger and better
blw_redone
08-25-2008, 07:15 AM
Playtoy. When I was adopted my parents had a birth daughter who was ten years my senior. I don't remember much about her other than she got everything she wanted. I think she had maybe 30 pairs of shoes. My sister and I always got second hand things. Most of our stuff was bought at garage sales. That in itself is not wrong. I don't have a problem with that. I just don't understand why parents would should so much favor towards one sibling and treat the others like cinderalla trash or something. I think my big sis had self esteem issues. I know she always struggled with her weight.
During her high school years, say junior and senior year, I became a teddy bear. I'm not going to get graphic here but I was her playtoy and went through and discovered things no 6 year old should ever be exposed to. I didn't know it was wrong at the time. I had to keep it secret. All I know is somebody was 'loving' me and showing me affection and as long as I kept it secret I would continue to receive it.
Many years later I found out from my younger sister thru our mother that before we were adopted my moms brother had come to live with them for a few years. Apparently he had molested my older sister. And the thing that enrages me is my mother knew about it and did nothing. So many family secrets. So much sickness. I'm glad I'm not their offspring. In a way I'm thankful that was done to me was heinous and makes me so sick to my stomach that the same sickness that permeated my adopted family did not germinate in me. Although it has still cost me dearly and had its affect on me.
I have forgiven my older sister quietly. I've never been able to do it face to face because she has never acknowledged doing anything to me. I don't bring it up because I feel the harm it would cause her family would not be worth my peace of mind. Being right doesn't always make things right. I know her kids are pretty screwed up. I wonder if she perpetrated horrors on them too?
chodan9
08-25-2008, 07:16 AM
Yes she has apologized. However I have found it hard to reconcile with that apology because she always ends it with 'I don't remember.' Well if you don't remember the horrible things you did to me then how can you be truly sorry and remorseful? Its always 'if I hurt you i just don't remember.' I'm thinking now she would just black out and go into a rage. I have very little background on my mother. Remember I'm adopted. I do know that my grandmother, her mother, had to go to a mental hospital for awhile and even when I knew her she was quite eccentric. So I'm guessing there are some hereditary issues there.
well one bright spot in all that past is at least you wont be inheriting that particular gene. Mental illness causes so many scars and as you have so ably written about they are not just on the person affected with the mental illness.
blw_redone
08-25-2008, 07:23 AM
well one bright spot in all that past is at least you wont be inheriting that particular gene. Mental illness causes so many scars and as you have so ably written about they are not just on the person affected with the mental illness.
Two things I did not inherit but have been diagnosed with is bi-polar disorder and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder....duh...lol). I have to have a sense of humor about some of this. It takes some of the edge off you know. As far as the bi-polar is concerned I am not ony any medication although I was for several years. I just learned to manage it on my own thru strength of will and recognizing the warning signs and taking preventative measures. As far as the PTSD goes, well, i think it will always be there. I think I'll always have a flashback or two and I think I'll always have nightmares periodically. Maybe they are there to keep me humble and remind me that no matter how good life may get this is where I came from. One thing I do know is that memories of my sufferings have deepened my humanity and made me hyper-sensitive to others sufferings.
Keltron
08-25-2008, 07:23 AM
Yeah for a long time I definitely had a fear of water. I've since overcome it but I can remember a time a few years ago when I was swimming at the river and a bit of undercurrent caught me. I started to panic and go under. I eventually made it to shore but nobody really understood why I was crying so hard. Flashbacks I think you call them. I have triggers I guess. Same thing in grappling when someone was attempting to choke me except I used my indignation that this was happening to me and let turn into rage and rage my strength to power my will to fight out of it.
Yes she has apologized. However I have found it hard to reconcile with that apology because she always ends it with 'I don't remember.' Well if you don't remember the horrible things you did to me then how can you be truly sorry and remorseful? Its always 'if I hurt you i just don't remember.' I'm thinking now she would just black out and go into a rage. I have very little background on my mother. Remember I'm adopted. I do know that my grandmother, her mother, had to go to a mental hospital for awhile and even when I knew her she was quite eccentric. So I'm guessing there are some hereditary issues there.
My father's older brother would beat the crap out of him up until he left for college. He said that when he came back, his brother was a different person. He apologized but also mentioned that he would black out.
I totally understand where you're coming from. It's almost like they're alleviating themselves of the accountability. But I do believe that someone can be sorry for doing something they can't remember. I think anytime there is an apology followed by a "but" or a "however" it's like it's not even an apology. Maybe if she reversed it it would be different. What if she were to say, "Though I don't remember it, I truly am sorry for what I've done" ??
Trace333
08-25-2008, 07:34 AM
Wow chuck, I am so sorry for your childhood. I'm not gonna say how exactly I feel for your parents because it's too mean to put here!! http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/hug008.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)
blw_redone
08-25-2008, 07:36 AM
My father's older brother would beat the crap out of him up until he left for college. He said that when he came back, his brother was a different person. He apologized but also mentioned that he would black out.
I totally understand where you're coming from. It's almost like they're alleviating themselves of the accountability. But I do believe that someone can be sorry for doing something they can't remember. I think anytime there is an apology followed by a "but" or a "however" it's like it's not even an apology. Maybe if she reversed it it would be different. What if she were to say, "Though I don't remember it, I truly am sorry for what I've done" ??
I think that would be better. She has always emphasized 'I just don't remember.' But you know something? I have learned to be thankful and gracious about that because I believe if she were to remember the full extent of what she did to me it would lead to a mental breakdown that she could never recover from. Some would say that is justice. I understand. But I say it is enough. No more. I'm tired of it. I'm very tired. These things I've wrote thus far is merely a prelude to more horrors that would befall me. And i've held and lived to this ripe old age of 45 and I'm tired. Tired of what it has stolen from me. Tired of judgements I have faced because people never looked deep enough to understand the why of me. Tired because I have failed many times because I did not believe in myself. I have failed myself and I have failed others. Its like I have this short circuit in me. The irony of this is I've heard so many people who know me on a superficial level say wow you should really do this or you could be this or that. Even had a minister who is now deceased that I truly loved and respected tell me he envisioned great things for me because of my ability to empathize and speak to others hearts. Hes not the first one I heard that from either but the most respected in my heart. But I think time is running out and I still can't get it. I have this fear of either one -dying soon...too soon before my life's work (still don't have a clue as to what that is) is done or two being a lonely old bitter man who talks to himself while the neighborhood makes fun of him and pelts his house with rocks or eggs. LOL...had to do that because I was sounding rather pathetic just now.
maryinmesquite
08-25-2008, 07:44 AM
not laughing at your pain , but im always afraid im going to end up the neighborhood crazy cat lady or something
blw_redone
08-25-2008, 07:46 AM
not laughing at your pain , but im always afraid im going to end up the neighborhood crazy cat lady or something
Told my wife the moment I start to become eccentric or just downright ornery and mean to sucker me into walking out in a field or forest somewhere and shoot me in the back of the head. Just put me down. I don't want to be like that. I think shes come close to it in recent memory already...lol.
SP1966
08-25-2008, 08:26 AM
not laughing at your pain , but im always afraid im going to end up the neighborhood crazy cat lady or something
Going to? :eek: Mary, I have some bad news for you...
IronCamp
08-25-2008, 11:21 AM
Reading this leaves me speechless...trust me, that doesn't happen often!
I'm so sorry you had to go through this.
blw_redone
08-25-2008, 02:04 PM
Reading this leaves me speechless...trust me, that doesn't happen often!
I'm so sorry you had to go through this.
Pay it forward. Go do something good for somebody. I've decided I don't want anything from this personally. Just tell me about something good you did for someone as a result of hearing about this. Because if that doesn't happen then I've spoken in vain. This is not for me anymore but for those whose cries are unheard and suffer in silence. Even if you can't rescue them from whats happening just be an oasis. I think I could have survived this a whole lot better if I would have had a friend or confidant. I had nobody. I was afraid of everybody. Too many betrayals. All I had were my books as my escape. I know it probably sounds all gay but I loved fairy tales growing up. Especially those involving knights and dragons. I wanted to be strong and fearless and slay that fire breathing dragon. I wanted to be a hero. I wanted people to love me. I don't know if I've done any of that to this day. I've tried to help others. My armor is dented up and rusty. I'm very tired. My tale is endless and without its happy ending. Sometimes I think the dragon has got the best of me and is still getting the best of me. I think I'd just like to hear ya'll stories of some kindness you brought into someone's life. If you don't mind do that for me ok.
IronIc
08-25-2008, 03:25 PM
Wow, you've had it from all sides, haven't you? Not just from your very mentally ill mother, but from the other kids in school ... it is so painful to read what some kids go through just to get to adulthood. You are very brave to have survived those experiences as a sensitive, mentally stable human being.
Many hugs!
IronCamp
08-25-2008, 05:20 PM
Pay it forward. Go do something good for somebody. I've decided I don't want anything from this personally. Just tell me about something good you did for someone as a result of hearing about this. Because if that doesn't happen then I've spoken in vain. This is not for me anymore but for those whose cries are unheard and suffer in silence. Even if you can't rescue them from whats happening just be an oasis. I think I could have survived this a whole lot better if I would have had a friend or confidant. I had nobody. I was afraid of everybody. Too many betrayals. All I had were my books as my escape. I know it probably sounds all gay but I loved fairy tales growing up. Especially those involving knights and dragons. I wanted to be strong and fearless and slay that fire breathing dragon. I wanted to be a hero. I wanted people to love me. I don't know if I've done any of that to this day. I've tried to help others. My armor is dented up and rusty. I'm very tired. My tale is endless and without its happy ending. Sometimes I think the dragon has got the best of me and is still getting the best of me. I think I'd just like to hear ya'll stories of some kindness you brought into someone's life. If you don't mind do that for me ok.
I have a 3 yo and this will remind me that how I interact w/her and treat her will have a lasting effect...I will remember that even when I am at the end of my rope, that I should not let it effect how I interact w/her.
blw_redone
08-26-2008, 01:48 PM
I went back to visit my elementary school several years back. I needed an answer or some sense of why did you not save me. I had one particular teacher in mind because she was so kind to me. She was native American so maybe she understood some of the ostracizing that took place with me. Even though she didn't save me from my torment, at least she provided a respite for me with her kindness and hugs. I needed to know why did ya'll not help me. Why did everyone ignore the welts up and down my arms or the bruises on my face and sometimes the bandages from having been stitched up? She said she wanted to but didn't know what to do. People just didn't get involved back then. I told her I wanted you to rescue me. It caused her to cry. I think I cried with her. She said she kind of kept track of me and knew that life had got much worse for me and wanted to know how I was doing now. I'm making it I think I replied. Its hard but I just put one foot in front of the other and try and stay upright. I'm not living in my past but my past is in me and formed me. I've always felt a sense of abandonment. Abandoned by my birth mother. Abandoned by society, family, neighbors, school officials and clergymen who shielded their ears from my screams of terror and closed their eyes to my wounds. I, to this day, never felt like I fit in. Torn between two worlds. I was told they would have shun my 'whiteness' back in S. Korean and yet they shunned my 'asianness' here in America. I was always the kid that set at the back of the classroom in the corner and walked down the hallways as close to the lockers as possible with my head down. At times I made a complete fool of myself because in hopes of getting people to like me I would let them talk me into doing stupid stuff. The teachers just thought I was acting out when all along it was simply I would do anything to be included or make the other kids like me.
Ultimately this visit back to my elementary school provided some healing. My fourth grade teacher told me that she was way too strict with her first two children but because of what she saw me suffer she ended up spoiling her next two. And there lies all I want from life now - to know that what I went through was not in vain. If it compelled someone to change or reach out and help someone else then it heals me a little each time. Because if what I went through was meaningless and without notice then I don't want to be around anymore and my life has been a waste and I have lost all belief in God and my fellow man.
A glimmer of hope has sustained me thus far thru small kindnesses I have witnessed in others. Think me weak but I think I started this whole thread because I felt like I was starting to fade and needed something so I reached out. Many will judge me and say this was the wrong place to do that. Others will say its some sympathy trip. But remember I said I don't want sympathy because that just allows me to wallow and become stagnant. I want to hear ya'lls stories of your random acts of kindness and how the suffering of someone else changed you in a good way. I know this all may sound very hokey but its really that simple. I'm not a selfish man. I want more for others than I want for myself because I don't have near as long to be around now.
I guess to summarize this all I just don't want my existance to have been a mistake.